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Being a tablet user, I'm limited on what I can do. Fortunately, I can use emulators in order to play most retro games. Anyway, I was looking for a Jaguar emulator, just to see how bad the system was. After looking on all the normal sites like ROMhustler and DopeROMS, I poked around the obscure sites. Still no luck... then I got this email:

"Hey man! I hear you like Atari! Here you go!

(Works on Android 4.1.1+)"

The email didn't seem to have a sender, and all that was attached was a .torrent file... I didn't trust it at first, but it had 47 seeders, so I downloaded it, seeing as they seemed fine.

When it was done downloading, I had one file named "Jaguar64.apk." I laughed a bit at the subtle reference to Atari's lame attempt at claiming that the Jaguar was the first 64 bit console when it was barely 32 bit. Although a Jaguar emulator for Android is hard to find, the ROMs are no problem. The first game I tried was "Cybermorph". (My goal was to play a crappy game.)

The intro screen played (I actually liked the music), and I jokingly called Atari hipsters for saying "All the things!" before it was a meme. A demo of the game started and the green face of a woman said "Good luck". After this, I was prompted to pick from one of eight planets. I went with "CODEX", but on the loading screen it said "THERE'S A GOOD REASON THIS GAME SUCKS". I thought it was left by a disgruntled employee. I wanted to get a screenshot but I was too slow. The game spawned me in a canyon-like area with red walls and a blue floor, which was normal for this level. Due to the game's lousy controls I heard "Avoid the ground" and "Where did you learn to fly?" more often than "Well done."... I was collecting the pod things to beat the level when I hit the ground... But instead of a clack and "Where did you learn to fly?", I fell through the floor and was sent to a dark cave-like place... The walls were still red, but they were a much darker red and the floor was black. The green face appeared and said "Go back.". It was creepy as hell in there. I tried to leave, but I couldn't get through the ceiling like I did with the floor. The face was still saying "Avoid the ground." and "Where did you learn to fly?". I wanted to stop playing but couldn't. As I flew further in, I heard a clawing sound and the face said "So sorry." A few minutes later I heard "No refunds." It would have been funny to hear that from a pirated copy of the game, but I wasn't in a laughing mood. I flew for what felt like hours. Then... That... It was big... Red... Scaly... Sharp teeth... No. It wasn't the Devil... That thing could give lessons to the Devil! "To late." That was the last thing she said... The thing looked at me... Not at the ship... AT ME! "Now... You..." It sounded sad... And hungry... It's mouth opened painfully wide showing hundreds of sharp teeth... Luckily for me, my tablet crashed due to one of Android's infamous bugs... The ROM, emulator, the torrent, and the email are gone now...I deleted them... What was that thing?

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