Two days ago, I attempted to end my life.  The fact that I am writing this now is testament to my obvious failure, but it has also breathed new light into my once pathetic existence.  When one loses the will to live, strange thoughts begin to creep into your mind.  The moral compass that most healthy humans possess slowly changes, perhaps even going away entirely.  Things previously considered unimaginable and unholy become interesting.  It goes beyond interest, though - the thoughts of madness and despair are appealing.  You become entranced in them, and you are unable to dispel them.  Perverse thoughts fill your every waking moment until one of two things happen. 

The first is the most common: suicide.  Whether it be from severe depression and other such mental illness, or haunting memories of actions you may have committed or atrocities witnessed, most people succumb to the sweet embrace of eternal slumber before even considering the horrific alternative: to deny humanity itself and become a living monster, devoid of all emotion, caring only of yourself, and pursuing the darkness that society shuns so greatly.  This is not to be confused with insanity or sociopathy;  you are wholly sane and you understand the implications and effects of your actions.

Everyone has a different view on these wretched humans.  Some may think them possessed by demons, or spirits, or other such nonsense.  Many believe them to have never been truly human at all.  A vessel born without a soul, perhaps.  I, like most people, categorized most “evil” men as monsters.  Murderers, torturers, deranged fucks of all types.  That is what a modern monster was to me.  Very recently I have realized this to be false.  While it is true that some of these people can be considered monsters, most of them are simply sick in the mind or born with cruelty in their hearts.

The true monsters are much simpler, and at the same time, much more complicated.  The defining characteristic is curiosity.  Morbid curiosity, with no regard of whether their actions are right or wrong.  In fact, real monsters have absolutely no concept of right or wrong, and if they ever did, they lost it a long time ago.  They have a thirst for knowledge that cannot be sated by pouring over tomes or studying in a university.  Whatever strange fixation they have will not relent until they have personally explored their subject to satisfaction.  The fixation is different with every monster, and may even be something completely harmless to other humans.  This is what allows monsters to walk among us without the slightest suspicion of others.  It is also likely that there are multiple subjects that intrigue these monsters.  If one were to ever fully explore their subject, they will find another one immediately.

As I said before, a true monster feels little to no emotion, and has no regard towards the feeling or well being of others.  At the same time, they also do not find joy in causing others harm, at least not directly.  The difference between a madman and a monster is that a madman causes harm for the sake of inflicting pain on another person, whether it be physical or psychological.  The killer who tortures his victims and savors in their agony is not a monster.  A monster does it purely for his own sake, to fulfill his own curiosity.  He may be also torture and kill, but does not find joy in the causing of pain.  He obsesses over it in an almost scientific manor.  Because of this, you cannot tell the difference purely by looking at the actions of men, as they may overlap entirely.  It is the intent that differentiates the two.

I am not a religious man, and I do not claim to fully understand the supernatural, or even to believe it.  I will admit that it has always been a subject of great interest to me.  Perhaps it is due to my strange disposition and temperament, perhaps it is unrelated.  I treat all religions and superstitions with equal respect until sufficiently debunked.  I have a feeling that these monsters may not be purely psychological anomalies, but perhaps they have been touched by something beyond traditional explanation.  This is a theory with no scientific basis, and as such, I do not believe it fully and neither should you.  It is merely something to contemplate.

I have always had dark thoughts.  I suspect that everyone does to an extent.  Like most people, I push them back easily.  I realize that to act upon them would be a terrible deed, both to myself and whatever poor soul I inflict them upon, and I have no real desire to do them.  However, since my brief encounter with my own mortality, these thoughts are not so easily dispelled.  I find myself caring little about my previous endeavors.  My relationships, however tenuous they may have been, mean very little to me now.  Where I was once very concerned with how I was viewed and strived to be accepted by my peers, I now have no desire to please anyone but myself.  I have a new-found passion in life, and that is solely due to my complete disregard for it.

You may have noticed a pattern in my examples: pain.  Pain is a fascinating subject to me.  It’s something everybody experiences, and despite the unpleasantness of it, it’s absolutely integral in life.  Pain serves as a warning of sorts against danger.  Physical pain forces you to react.  If you touch a hot stove, you instantly recall your hand.  While some may curse this as bad luck, it’s actually the exact opposite.  Without that sensation, you would continue to damage your hand until you noticed it with your other sluggish senses.  Pain is good.  Psychological pain is equally important.  The pain of a broken relationship shapes you as a person, and allows you to make better judgments once the pain subsides.

Most people will suffer from severe pain at least once in their life, whether it be physical or psychological.  The pain of the experience shapes you, and through life’s pains you improve yourself. Man is like a raw slab of stone.  The universe, a talented sculptor using pain as a chisel to create works of art.  However, even the most experienced of artists make mistakes.  He may break off the nose of a sculpture, or even destroy it entirely.  This is due to either the quality of the stone, or the voracity of the sculptor.  Likewise, pain can be too severe or man may be too weak to withstand it, becoming crippled.

Pain is simple, but its effects are extraordinary.  To take a man from the comfort of his life and submit him to levels of pain he has never before experienced, that is something I must admit I find fascinating.  There are so many different ways to do it, and so many different people.  The pursuit of this knowledge would be endless.

This is not a new or original thought.  Pain is the primal fear of many.  There is a very large amount of books and movies that pertain to this subject, but they are, for the most part, works of fiction.  We have an idea of how one would react, but very few actual examples to know for certain.  What if one were to take these concepts and apply them to the real world?  To push someone as they do in Saw, or The Hellbound Heart?  Can we go further than that?  And that is just physical pain.

The true beauty comes when we employ psychological pain.  It’s much more subtle, and much easier to actually test.  There are ways to cripple a man without laying a finger on him.  Break the foundations of his entire world view, make him rethink everything he once took for granted.  This can be done legally and without any real repercussion, provided you have the ability.  Start slowly.  Learn about the subject in great detail.  Before you even begin to meddle in his affairs, you should know him better than he knows himself.  You should know every possible detail in his life that made him the person he is: his relationships, upbringing and family, personal beliefs, his core foundations down to the minuscule details, his personality and demeanor, what he likes, dislikes, supports, despises, and every single detail that separates him from any other fucker on the street. 

This is much easier done if you have a connection to this person, the stronger, the better.  Once you have done your homework, you can begin to do the real research.  Ruin him.  Destroy everything in his life he holds dear.  His job that he worked so dearly for?  The creative thinker can easily get him fired, and for extra credit you can have him barred from working in that field ever again.  Naturally, he will turn to friends and family for support in this hard time.  

Most people consider their friendships and bonds to be stronger than anything, able to withstand the hardest trials and disagreements.  The truth, however, is not quite as poetic.  People hate other people.  Always.  When they find someone that they can tolerate, someone that shares some unimportant qualities and hobbies, they call them “friends”.  They grow to accept whatever shitty qualities they have, and feel so safe and secure in their knowledge that there is someone in this horrible world that’s just as sane as them.  Using nothing but a silver tongue, a lifelong relationship can crumble in a matter of days.

You may be thinking to yourself that I’m simply jaded.  I understand that this sounds like the views of a Philosophy 101 student ready to prove to the world how knowledgeable they are after barely passing in whatever pathetic excuse of a university they happen to attend, but it is the truth.  Now, I don’t mean to say that true friendship and strong relationships do not exist.  It would be foolish of me to even imply such a thing.  However, it is much rarer than you may think.  I would estimate that the average person will only have two or three of these real relationships, and the others are merely an illusion of strength.  When you find that your target has a bond too strong for mere words to break, you resort to physical pain.  The best artists use multiple paintbrushes for different purposes, rather than relying on just one.  

After you’ve done all you can to ruin a man and sabotage every possible relationship he has, you will find that there are a few stubborn ties that refuse to break.  This is a blessing, not a curse.  While you are most interested in the complete mental and physical destruction of a single man, you can still learn from his cohorts.  Simple take them and see how much pain a human can withstand before breaking.  For example, I’ve always wondered if the sense of pain grows if other senses are lost.  If you were to blind someone and destroy their hearing, would their pain be more intense?  I digress.  Losing a loved one so horribly is perhaps worse than the relationship merely breaking apart.  When you truly love someone, it is a soul crushing experience to see them in any sort of pain at all.  

It may be tempting to simply cause a large amount of pain and eventually death, but that is not ideal.  Death is NOT the breaking point that we seek, it is a premature escape.  You want him to beg for death.  I’ve always been a fan of the horror genre, and body horror is the most potent, in my opinion.  Cause grievous wounds that will leave him alive, but horribly disfigured and unable to function.

This method would work especially well with a vain and shallow subject.  Find someone who takes extreme pride in their looks, and demolish that single aspect.  Slowly remove all of their teeth and destroy their gums beyond any hope of repair.  Scar the face to the point where you cannot tell if it is still human.  Remove their ears and ONE eye.  Cut the tongue to the point where they can speak, but only in difficult and garbled fashion.  Flame is an excellent tool.  The agony it causes is immense, and it leaves its survivors ugly and grotesque.

After this, you want to cripple fine motor skills.  Remove digits (as slowly and painfully as you possible can, this is where it pays to be creative), cut the tendons in the arms and legs, leaving them unable to perform basic tasks without extreme effort and lasting pain.  You may even go as far as to remove their entire limbs.  I must admit, I still require more medical knowledge to accomplish much of this, but the study of pain should be a lifelong pursuit.

I apologize, I did not realize how long this was.  It is easy to lost track of time when discussing your passions.  I must remind you, I find no joy in the harm of others.  My interest is purely academic. Monsters live among us, and sometimes all it takes to become one is a little brush with mortality.

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