MR. WIDEMOUTH: There exists a land of living nightmares... A realm of pure fear where the collected dread of humanity, born of stories whispered and spread, comes to rest... the Shadowsphere. I am called Mr. Widemouth, a member of Shadow Theatre 13. My associates--Bloody Mary, one of the oldest dwellers in the Shadowsphere, and the Slenderman, archetypical nightmare of the modern age. Our job--mock bad stories that have wound up in the Shadowsphere, so that the integrity of our world of fear stays in tact. (beat) Look, I don't insult YOUR profession. At least not to your face...

(A gust of wind dislodges a group of bats from a tree, where they spell out the words 'SHADOW THEATRE 13'.)


(Mr. Widemouth and Slenderman are seated beneath a dead tree which stands before a crumbling old mansion, a sign hanging before the door that says 'Shadow Theatre 13'. A picturesque fog hovers over the scene.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Okay, your choices are--female Freddy... or female Jason.

SLENDERMAN: You make that sound like I have multiple options. Have you seen actual Freddy and actual Jason? (Shudders) They'd both be hideous. It's like asking me to choose between the plague and smallpox.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, those are your choices. Deal with it.

SLENDERMAN: Female Jason. She's got a mask. So... I could just... concentrate on the... you know, the mask, instead of having to look at the horrific trauma case that is her face beneath it...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: For a guy who doesn't even have a face you're pretty specific about them in others, you know that?

SLENDERMAN: That's like saying a man without hands shouldn't care if his date's are like ham hocks. Trust me, he'll care. Hell, considering he doesn't have them, he'll care very much...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right, right, right. Your turn.

SLENDERMAN: Female Gizmo or...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, come ON! Is this all I rank with you? Puppets and talking animals? Last time it was Female Scooby-Doo, or Female Scrappy-Doo!

SLENDERMAN: I'm still surprised you went with Female Scooby-Doo!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Female Scrappy-Doo would be prepubescent! I mean--how sick do you think I am?

SLENDERMAN: You don't want an answer to that, Widemouth. You really don't.

(Bloody Mary enters behind the pair.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, all I'm saying is that just once, I'd like the selection of romantic partners to not be something out of some sort of demented Furry handb...

BLOODY MARY: Hey, guys. You doing the creepy gender-swapped date game again?

(Mr. Widemouth wheels around.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: What? Of course no...


(Mr. Widemouth glares at Slenderman then sighs.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I suppose my denial was rather weak... In our admittedly poor defense--it passes the time.

(Bloody Mary pulls out an envelope.)

BLOODY MARY: Well, got something else to pass the time. The new fic's come. The original that started the deluge--Jeff the Killer.

(Mr. Widemouth and Slenderman both freeze.)

SLENDERMAN: We're... doing Jeff the Killer?

BLOODY MARY: (nods) That is what I just said.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: But...he's horribly popular! With a host of fanboys, and fangirls, and spinoffs...

BLOODY MARY: Which is why we're doing the story.

(Slenderman and Mr. Widemouth both glance at each other, than nod.)

SLENDERMAN: Okay... but you're dealing with the inevitable hate mail. And trust me--it will be awful.

BLOODY MARY: Hey, you're looking at the girl who sat through Varney the Vampyre, AND Wagner the Wehr-Wolf, way back when. I can handle awful. (Leads the pair towards the theatre.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right, right... lead on, Macduff...

SLENDERMAN: It's 'lay on, Macduff', actually...

(The trio disappear into the theater. We follow through a twisty shadowy pathway, that corkscrews until we reach... the Reading Room. The trio take their seats...)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Look, Slendy, I appreciate your accurate knowledge of the Bard of Avon as much as the next guy, but all I'm saying is that there is a time and a place...

BLOODY MARY: Fic's starting, guys...

Jeff the Killer

BLOODY MARY: Yeah... I'm... not feeling the terror guys. I mean--"Jeff the Killer". It starts bland, and it ends nondescript. It's a guy named Jeff. And he's a killer. That's it.

SLENDERMAN: Hey--you're missing some fascinating details. Like... Umm... Right... I'm sure I can come up with something...

 Excerpt from a local Newspaper: 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Local Newspaper Editor Gets New Thesaurus!

After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is 
still on the rise. 

(Mr. Widemouth blinks.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Or... maybe he doesn't.

(Mary scratches her head.)

BLOODY MARY: Wait... wait... the "killer is still on the rise"? What does that even mean?

SLENDERMAN: Maybe... maybe he has rocket boots?

After little evidence has been found, a young boy states 
that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely 
tells his story. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Little evidence. Except... you know, a freakin' eyewitness...

"I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," 
says the boy, 

SLENDERMAN: "It involved being chased around the Eiffel tower by a man with a very large fish..."

BLOODY MARY: So... no actual background ABOUT the killer, just straight to the eyewitness, without any real attempt to create context whatsoever?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey, they said he was 'ominous' and 'unknown'. What more do you want from them?

BLOODY MARY: Reporting, maybe?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: That's just crazy talk.

"I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though 
I remember it being closed before I went to bed. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Because that's the sort of detail you remember. In the middle of the night. When you've just woken up.

I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled 
under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I 
had a strange feeling, 

SLENDERMAN: "A strange tingling sensation in a certain area... Little did I know I was becoming a man..."

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Slendy, that was filthy. (beat) I love it.

like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped 
out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, 
illuminating from between my curtains, 

BLOODY MARY: That's some vocabulary for a little kid.

SLENDERMAN: Yeah. A shame he's using the words--well, wrong.

were a pair of two eyes. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Could have been worse, kid--could have been a pair of three eyes!

BLOODY MARY: No it couldn't, Widemouth. We both know that.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Leave me to my dreams, woman!

These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. 

SLENDERMAN: Proving they belonged to the ominous, unknown killer!

BLOODY MARY: Things are starting to make sense!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, they aren't, guys.

(Slenderman and Bloody Mary sigh.)

BLOODY MARY: You're right.

SLENDERMAN: We're just desperately seeking meaning in a cruel world.

They were bordered in black 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: And so our terrifying serial killer--wears eye shadow.

SLENDERMAN: It's Prince!

BLOODY MARY: Actually... that would be creepy.

SLENDERMAN: Yeah. You're right.

and... just plain out terrified me. 

BLOODY MARY: Boy, you're a real wimp, kid.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Ahhh! Eyes! He has eyes! AHHH!"

That's when I saw his mouth. 

BLOODY MARY: "He had it in a case by his side, which is why I didn't see it initially when I looked at his face."

A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. 

SLENDERMAN: Every hair. He said it, folks. Not me. Every hair. (spreads hands and tentacles.) I don't have to do ANYTHING with this. Once again--every hair.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Slendy, Mary--we better buckle in. It's going to be bumpy ride.

The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what 
seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said 
in a way only a mad man could speak. 

BLOODY MARY: "Something I think of constantly, as I rush around in my jam-jams, watching Spongebob."

SLENDERMAN: This kid has got serious issues.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, yeah. I foresee a life filled with pantsings...

"He said, 'Go To Sleep.' 

(The trio are silent for a moment, and then burst out into laughter.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: That is our villain's... catchphrase?

SLENDERMAN: (spreading his arms operatically) Go... to... SLEEEEEEEEEEP!

BLOODY MARY: Oh, we are going to have fun with that one...

I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up 
a knife; aiming at my heart. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No! No! Go for the gut! The gut, you idiot! No bone to worry about! Only amateurs go for the heart!

BLOODY MARY: "Pulled... up a knife?"

SLENDERMAN: Technically, it is correct. Very technically.

He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I 
kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock 
him off me. 

SLENDERMAN: The disturbing subtext... continues.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I think our unknown author has to tell someone about his mother.

That's when my dad busted in. 

BLOODY MARY: "Son, what did I say 'bout lettin' strange men into this here domicile..."

(Slenderman and Mr. Widemouth stare at her.)

SLENDERMAN: What was that?

BLOODY MARY: (coughs) I was... trying my... Southern patriarch impression...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: In the future--don't.

The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Apparently, the ominous, unknown killer studied with the ninja. Because that is... much harder than it sounds.

The man probably would've finished him off, if one of 
the neighbors hadn't alerted the police. 

SLENDERMAN: Uh... huh. You know I am finding the entire 'ominous, unknown killer' thing... harder and harder to swallow. Since he is apparently incapable of subduing a child and escaping detection as he does so.

"They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. 

(Group considers this.)

BLOODY MARY: Yeah... I cannot make a mental map of this. Is it--some sort of gated community set up, or... what?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: There's... a parking lot... a door to the house immediately accessible from the parking lot...

SLENDERMAN: Or the apartment--he hasn't made it clear which it is...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right... right... Anyway, parking lot--door--and a large window that is accessible from ground level...

The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, 
like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the 
window that was pointing towards the back of my house was 

SLENDERMAN: "Thus demonstrating that my sense of hearing is excellent!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: ...Two. TWO large windows at ground level... Also--now we know it's a house....

I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. 

SLENDERMAN: In a puff of smoke and a glimmer of moonbeam.

(Mr. Widemouth begins to fidget frantically.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: And apparently some sort of cover that would let a man vanish very shortly after jumping out of that second window...

BLOODY MARY: So... the police didn't try to... surround the building? Just... tossing it out there.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey, from what I can see, this damn thing borders on the Lovecraftian... If they try to they could wind up in another state. Possibly another dimension...

I can tell you one thing,

SLENDERMAN: Revolver is the best Beatles' album, not Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which while quite meritorious lacks the former's variety and overall strength...

I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that
psychotic smile. They will never leave my head." 

BLOODY MARY: You're a little kid. Trust me, you'll forget a lot more important things!

Police are still on the look for this man. 

SLENDERMAN: I would hope so.

BLOODY MARY: "The... look"...?

If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: What description? We know he's got crazy evil eyes and a crazy evil smile, and that's it! We don't know his height, his clothing, or anything. Hell, based on what we've been told, they should bring in Ozzy Osbourne!

please contact your local police department. 

BLOODY MARY: This is a local case. It would naturally involve contacting the local police department. Because... it's their case.

Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. 

SLENDERMAN: And without further ado--or any warning whatsoever--the flashback.

MR WIDEMOUTH: I am suing this story for whiplash. You two are my witnesses.

His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it 
would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods. 

BLOODY MARY: With their "fancy" streets! And "fancy" houses with roofs on them!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Not like the good old slum they used to dwell in. You know where you stand in a hellhole!

Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... they named one son 'Jeff' and the other... 'Liu'.

SLENDERMAN: Maybe... they're Asian-Americans? Or... a mixed couple? Or... something?

BLOODY MARY: Ahh, damn us. We're thinking about things again.

A new, better house. What was not to love? 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Really! They weren't resentful! Not in the least!

As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by. 

SLENDERMAN: Why it's that kooky Kramer, appearing to the applause of the crowd...

"Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street 
from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to 
introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. 

SLENDERMAN: This woman screams Avon lady.

BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Keep your tenses straight...

"Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran 
back to play in his yard. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Billy is already my favorite character. Because he clearly doesn't want to be here.

"Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my 
husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." 

SLENDERMAN: Okay--second-generation Asian-Americans who are reconnecting with their culture after their parents Americanized them, thus resulting in a third generation with a few old country names popping up...

BLOODY MARY: We are desperately trying to make this make sense, aren't we?

They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited 
them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were 
about to object, when their mother said that they would 
love to. 

BLOODY MARY: "And it's bunny rabbit-themed, you say? How darling! They'll love that too!"

When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to 
his mom.

(Bloody Mary's eyes twitch.)

BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Keep your tenses straight.

"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you 
haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid." 

SLENDERMAN: (whining) "I'm like--supermature!"

"Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should 
show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Nooooo! We should seal ourselves in our house and live as hermits! Mother, why are you persecuting me with your hate crimes?"

Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff 
started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he 
couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, 
it was final. 

SLENDERMAN: (mock-sobbing) And that... that was totally unfair, because Jeff--Jeff wasn't a baby, man!

He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He 
sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a 
weird feeling. 

SLENDERMAN: A weird... tingling feeling... in a certain area... for Jeff was becoming a...

BLOODY MARY: He is just handing you material, isn't he?

SLENDERMAN: I'm almost embarrassed by how easy it is. Almost.

Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. 

BLOODY MARY: Someone has to tell Jeff about puberty...

SLENDERMAN: See? See? It's hard to avoid it, isn't it?

He dismissed it as just some random feeling. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "This lingerie catalogue is giving me... strange urges..."

He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he 
walked down to get it. 

(The trio sit there for a while, in awkward silence.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Does... anybody want to touch that one...?

BLOODY MARY: No, we're good.

SLENDERMAN: Oh, I'll give it a shot. (beat) Paging, Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud to the lounge. Paging Dr. Freud...

The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast 
and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his 
breakfast, he once again got that feeling. 

SLENDERMAN: (singing) Jeff is waking up in the morning--Jeff is feeling so bad--Jeff is getting so sick of having sleepless nights, he needs to see his dad...

BLOODY MARY: (singing) Pictures of Lily would make his life so wonderful...

This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging 
pain, but he once again dismissed it. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Back off hormones! Back off!

As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to 
the bus stop.

BLOODY MARY: Well, that's a pretty picture.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Don't run, Liu! You'll spill the orange juice!"

They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden,
some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above
their laps. 

SLENDERMAN: "Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you..."

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Skate scum really are the worst, aren't they?

They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?" 

BLOODY MARY: They... jumped back. From sitting down.

The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his 
skate board up and caught it with his hands. 

SLENDERMAN: "Hu-huh, Bro! Totally radical!"

The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So our fearsome killer needs to talk to his mommy when he needs a ride.

SLENDERMAN: But hey--he's a TEENAGER! Not a little kid!

He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ahh, the youth. So convinced that their set of goofy fads are going to last forever...

(Bloody Mary massages her temples.)

BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Mind your TENSES.

"Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." 

SLENDERMAN: "Welcome to the Big House, handsome. I'll be claiming that pretty ass of yours..."

BLOODY MARY: Okay, Slendy, we get it. The disturbing subtext is... getting pretty damn disturbing...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: When the scariest things in your story are the things you don't even realize you're writing--it's a bad sign.

Suddenly, two other kids appeared. 

BLOODY MARY: Literally. They can apparently teleport.

SLENDERMAN: Hey! That's my deal! (beat) I think...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Your powers are pretty damn vague, aren't they?

SLENDERMAN: Are you kidding? Sometimes, I think I'm a sentient tree for some strange reason.

One was super skinny and the other was huge. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ahhh, the prose stylings of a young William Makepeace Thackeray...

"Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, 

BLOODY MARY: Well, that's friendly of him... doing all the exposition for them...

over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the 
skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect 
a sidekick to have. 

SLENDERMAN: Poor kid. He really had his destiny all mapped out for him, didn't he?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, I don't know. He seems to have fallen naturally into a profession he's good at...

"And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk 
about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't 
exercised since he was crawling. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Hey! I'm just big-boned!"

BLOODY MARY: Why do I get the disturbing impression that the author is basing these characters on people he knows? And doesn't like?

"And I," said the first kid, "am Randy. 

SLENDERMAN: "I am the laughing leader of this merry band."

Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a 
small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift." 

BLOODY MARY: A junior member of the Club for Legitimate Businessmen!

SLENDERMAN: I have to say Randy is impressing me more than our supposed protagonist. Only twelve, and he's already running a full-fledged extortion racket.

Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's 
eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, great. Their neighborhood's been invaded by the freakin' cast of an off-Broadway production of West Side Story.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, 
but it seems we must do this the hard way." 

SLENDERMAN: "You disappoint me Liuchenzio. I thought you would understand the rules of la Cosa Nostra..."

The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So the hard way is... pretty damn easy, when you get down to it...

SLENDERMAN: Well, you know, it's not like Liu is actually going to fight back... just... consider it...

BLOODY MARY: (Liu) "I am broadcasting my disapproval of your actions at you! With MY MIND!"

Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a 
burning sensation. 

SLENDERMAN: The doctor can clear that one right up these days with a simple series of injections.

He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored 
him and walked up to the kid. 

BLOODY MARY: This would be more impressive if the players involved weren't all in the four feet range.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Heightist! Short people are people too!

"Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." 

BLOODY MARY: And... any menace leaks out with the "bro"...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "If you don't, I will totally scream like a little girl!"

Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife. 

SLENDERMAN: I bet he calls it 'Vera'.

"Oh? And what will you do?" 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Please, answer my query, and do so in a succinct and timely fashion."

Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. 

SLENDERMAN: Well, that's an answer. Not a bright answer, but an answer.

As Randy reached for his face, 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... wait, did he just forget he has a knife? I mean... the whole point of having a knife in this situation is to use the knife if someone does something like this. Then the poor bastard who punched you starts wishing HE had a knife...

BLOODY MARY: And what about his buddies? Are they just... standing around like idiots?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yes! At least one of whom ALSO has a knife. This really should not be working for Jeff!

Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. 

SLENDERMAN: So... Jeff has super strength. Good to know.

BLOODY MARY: Or Randy has brittle bones. It's anybody's guess.

Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Randy has apparently been terrorizing the neighborhood while possessing the grip of a five year-old with palsy...

BLOODY MARY: Hey, he just got his wrist broke. That does throw your concentration.

Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. 

SLENDERMAN: He floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee!

He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but 
Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So it's Keith with the knife. Could have clarified that earlier.

Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. 

BLOODY MARY: "I'm in PAIN! I'm hysterical and I'm in PAIN!!"

Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He 
just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. 

SLENDERMAN: "Gasp! You found out my secret Achilles Heel! A punch to the gut!"

BLOODY MARY: You know what this fight scene needs? Batman-style sound effect cards! Just imagine that last bit with a big BAM! flashing on the screen.

As he fell, he puked all over. 

BLOODY MARY: Or... or we could have this. Vomit. Yep. That sure adds a lot.

Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff. 

SLENDERMAN: Because Jeff... Jeff was so superawesome and cool.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting a 'the author lost a lot of lunch money' vibe here.

"Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. 

SLENDERMAN: Wait--I thought he could nothing but look in amazement!

BLOODY MARY: "Jeff, are you back on steroids?"

They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole 
thing. So they started running as fast as they could. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, brilliant plan, boys. (He starts to clap sarcastically.)

As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing 
over to Randy and the others. 

SLENDERMAN: "Why, Randy--Keith--Troy! You sweet boys! Whatever will our Catholic boys' choir do without you?"

As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what 
happened. All they did was sit and listen.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Thus making it the first time they ever acted appropriately in school.

Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, 

BLOODY MARY: With limb breakage. And stabbing.

but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: We need someone here to kill a rogue comma.

As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge 
to just, hurt someone. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: And he can stay to get that one.

SLENDERMAN: Perhaps the author envisions a young Christopher Walken in the role of Jeff, and is trying to create the prose equivalent to his... unique speech patterns.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: That'd... actually be interesting to watch.

BLOODY MARY: Yes! He could give a monologue about wanting to swerve into the other lane while driving!

He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling 

BLOODY MARY: Let me play devil's advocate here. Jeff, you just beat up a bunch of young psychopaths who tried to mug you and your brother. Of course you're feeling pumped. That's the equivalent of drinking a lot of coffee while listening to 'Eye of the Tiger'.

He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the 
entire day of school. 

SLENDERMAN: "So violence is a good substitute for sex!"

Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the 
bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the 
bus anymore, he felt happy. 

BLOODY MARY: Well--duh. Nobody wants to take the high school bus if they can help it. It's a nightmarish Darwinian experience that pits the strong against the weak, and the many against the few. Being able to walk home is a good thing.

When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and 
he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (basso profundo) "I skipped merrily through the fields, and gathered wild flowers."

Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He 
walked down to find two police officers at the door, 
his mother looking back at him with an angry look. 

SLENDERMAN: Should we report that one to the Department of Redundancy Dept.?

BLOODY MARY: Naaah, let's let it fly.

"Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. 
That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. 
Stabbed, son!" 

BLOODY MARY: "I mean--I could take blackjacked, or bludgeoned, but--STABBED!"

Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, that shows no such thing. It shows... discomfort. Which an accusation of stabbing others should produce in anyone who isn't a sociopath.

"Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and 

SLENDERMAN: "That made it all right for me to thrash them within an inch of their lives, until they begged me for mercy!"

"Son," said one of the cops," We found three kids, two 
stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, ONE was stabbed. The count should be ONE stabbed, one with a broken wrist, and one with a bruised stomach.

and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, 
what does that tell us?" 

BLOODY MARY: Isn't that for the courts to decide?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Definitely better than these jokers. They don't even have the facts right!

Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been 
attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who 
attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, 
because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend 
himself or Liu. 

BLOODY MARY: That wasn't logic. It wasn't real logic. It was insane troll logic...

SLENDERMAN: My hair is a bird! Your argument is invalid!

"Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since 
it was him who beat up all the kids. 

SLENDERMAN: This woman has the parenting instincts of a Norwegian rat.

"Sir, was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. 
Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "I was an unstoppable juggernaut of pure rage!"

The cop looked at his partner and they both nod. 

(Bloody Mary clenches her fist.)

BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Watch your tenses.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Man, in the same sentence. That must be like nails across the chalkboard for...

(She glares at him.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Never mind.

"Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy..." 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Man, I'm so glad we don't have to worry about that judicial system anymore. Saves so much paperwork!"

"Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding 
a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them 
on Liu. 

BLOODY MARY: "We have a... twelve year old--repeat a twelve year old--with a knife. Preparing to use lethal force."

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I'm starting to understand why Jeff's getting away with all his killing in the future.

SLENDERMAN: Yeah, I'm quickly losing my respect for the local law enforcement in this story.

"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks 
to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts 
and bruises, as if he was in a struggle. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Wha...? Where did those come from?

BLOODY MARY: Apparently, Liu's a cutter.

SLENDERMAN: (shakes head) The pressures of Asian-American youth.

"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. 

BLOODY MARY: "Don't make me kill you, LIUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

SLENDERMAN: You were just waiting for a chance to use that one, weren't you?

BLOODY MARY: (nodding) I was.

Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He 
put his hands up and walked over to the cops.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah, and I'm betting these guys are keeping their guns trained on the menacing preteen.

"No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running 
down his face. 

SLENDERMAN: Manly tears! Because Jeff is supertough.

BLOODY MARY: This is turning into a bad Yakuza movie.


"Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did.  

SLENDERMAN: "Poor lad. His brain gets frenzied in the summer heat."

Well, take me away."

The police led Liu out to the patrol car. 

"Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who 
beat up those kids!" 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "And I stole the bicycle!"

Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders. 

"Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, 
you can stop." 

SLENDERMAN: ...Wow. Worst mother in the world.

Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with 
Liu inside. 

BLOODY MARY: TENSES! Get your damned tenses straight! DAMN YOU!!

A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Hey, honey, I just saw the darnedest thing. A cop car drove by, with a kid who looked just like... hey, where's Liu?"

seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong. 

"Son, son what is it?" 

SLENDERMAN: "Jeff, have you been listening to 80s hair bands again?"

Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Not that he's a sissy. He's just sad an' stuff.

SLENDERMAN: The stench of emo hangs heavy over this story.

BLOODY MARY: What does that smell like? Really?

SLENDERMAN: Think of a mixture of cheap liquor and bad hair products, and you've pretty much got it.

Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad 
news to him 

BLOODY MARY: "I can't help but think that I should have done something..."

as Jeff wept in the driveway.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "The blacktop makes me sad."

After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing 
that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. 

(Bloody Mary slaps her hand to her forehead.)

BLOODY MARY: And I am both appalled, horrified and nauseated at that misuse of "both"...

He couldn't look at them. 

SLENDERMAN: "Their outfits... so tacky!"

He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. 


He just went to sleep, 


MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey... wait a minute... wasn't this supposed to be... morning?

BLOODY MARY: Huh. You're right.

ALL THREE: "Let's do the Time Warp AGAAIIIN!"

trying to get the whole thing off his mind. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: That's not going to be hard.

BLOODY MARY: Yeah, kind of like letting something heavy tumble off a blade of grass...

SLENDERMAN: Break time guys.

BLOODY MARY: Thank goodness. One more tense shift, and I would have really lost it.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, something tells me you'll get your chance, Mary...

(The trio file out of the theatre. We then pull back through the Shadow Theatre, until we reach the outside. Mr. Widemouth stands there, doing his best to look nonchalant as Bloody Mary walks near him.)


BLOODY MARY: Hey, Widemouth...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... I'd say we can now definitely agree that Jeff's strange feeling has... a little something extra, wouldn't you?

(Bloody Mary thinks it over.)

BLOODY MARY: Well, yeah, given that Jeff can apparently shatter a wrist under its influence I'd say that's a foregone conclusion...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah... it's something beyond a feeling... further than a feeling...

(Bloody Mary makes a tired nod.)

BLOODY MARY: Yeah, it's more than a feeling...

(Mr. Widemouth turns around, suddenly.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: You heard her, Slendy--HIT IT!

(Slenderman emerges from the shadows with a guitar in his hands, another guitar held in a pair of tentacles, a bass held in ANOTHER pair of tentacles, a pair of drumsticks in yet ANOTHER, and a drum set being awkwardly dragged by a final set of tentacles. After a quick setup he begins to play his collection of instruments. We CUT back to Mr. Widemouth, who is now holding a microphone, and wearing a large wig on his head, the hair done in a very late 70s mullet with sideburns. Widemouth begins to rather awkwardly dance along with Slenderman's playing, something his stubby little legs don't help. We move in for a CLOSE-UP, taken at rather awkward angle, of Widemouth singing emotively.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (singing off-key) "I looked out this morning, and the sun was gone--Turned on some music to start my day--I lost myself in a familiar song--I closed my eyes and I slipped away..."

(Cut to a WIDE SHOT of Slenderman grooving out as he plays, complete with rhythmic head bangs. Then--another cut to him playing from another angle. And then several cuts of different angles in rapid succession. And then--back to Mr. Widemouth.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "It's more than a fEELING!"

(Another cut of Slendy, this time shot upside down.)

SLENDERMAN: (with, impossibly enough, a reverb) "More than a feeling!"

(And back to Widemouth whose head-banging has resulted in his wig covering his eyes, forcing him to adjust it while singing.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "When I HEAR that old SONG they used to plAY!"

SLENDERMAN: "More than a feeling!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "I begin dREAMing...!

SLENDERMAN: "More than a feeling!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Till I see MariANNE wALk AWay..."

(We cut to Bloody Mary, who rolls her eyes, and glances at the readers.)

BLOODY MARY: You might want to head out, folks. This could take a while.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "I see my MariANNE walking awAAAAAY..." (His voice cracks and he begins to cough as we FADE OUT.)


(We FADE IN--Slenderman is doing an exceedingly difficult "solo" on all his instruments, as Mr. Widemouth is dancing along with all the grace of a tiny foot-tall little beast man. Bloody Mary has a lit Zippo in her hands and is moving it in time with the music. Slenderman wraps up his playing.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Good night, Budokan! Cheap Trick says GOOD NIGHT!

(Bloody Mary rises to her feet, clapping.)

BLOODY MARY: Freebird! Freebird!

(Slenderman tucks the instruments away.)

SLENDERMAN: Ha! Man, all that practice was totally worth it.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (nodding fervantly) Totally.

SLENDERMAN: Yep! All to make a complex joke about a song that's forty years old! Hilarious!

(Mr. Widemouth blinks.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Okay, are you mocking US now?

SLENDERMAN: I mock things in general. It's easier than caring.

BLOODY MARY: Well, hey, I enjoyed the show, even if I'm going to have to wait another ten years for the next one!

SLENDERMAN: Another Boston joke! Man we are on the cutting edge tonight!

(Bloody Mary takes them by the hand and leads them to the theatre.)

BLOODY MARY: Come on, guys. Jeff the Killer awaits.

(They enter the Shadow Theatre, and we once again follow through the winding passage ways until we reach the reading room...)

BLOODY MARY: So, any thoughts for your next performance...?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, Slendy's got this one 'Amanda', that he thinks will work, but I've got a real good feeling about 'Can'tcha Say'...

Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. 

SLENDERMAN: They must have the worst lawyer in the county.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Possibly the state. Maybe even the country.

No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. 

BLOOODY MARY: Jeez, the Cure weren't this self-indulgent at their worst!

That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, 
with a happy, sunshiny face. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Morning son! What do you think of my new Raisin Bran mascot mask?"

BLOODY MARY: (gritting her teeth) Tenses. Watch your tenses.

SLENDERMAN: And you're right back into the fray.

BLOODY MARY: And don't I know it.

"Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and 
let light flood into his room. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "No! I wish to lurk in the darkness! Mother, why do you persecute me with your hate crimes?"

"What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake. 


"Why, it's Billy's party." 


SLENDERMAN: And more evidence for her "Worst Mother Ever" award entry.

He was now fully awake. 

"Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's 
party after..." There was a long pause. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Wow. For the briefest moment, I am on Jeff's side for once.

"Jeff, we both know what happened. 

SLENDERMAN: "Your beloved little brother was whisked away on a dubious charge without any form of legal recourse. Big deal!"

I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: That is impossible. You cannot "brighten up" "past days" because they've passed. It is a simple part of existence. One can improve one's present days and end a period of sadness--but you can't brighten up PAST days. Can't be done.

Now, get dressed." 

BLOODY MARY: "And no wire hangers!"

Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready 
herself. He fought himself to get up. 

SLENDERMAN: It was a difficult struggle, but it ended when he got himself into a headlock.

He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. 
He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and 
his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy 
clothes to a kid's party? 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Did... Holden Caulfield write this, or something?

BLOODY MARY: It'd explain the grammar.

SLENDERMAN: We're getting literary on you all, folks.

"Son, is that all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mom. 

"Better than wearing too much." he said. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "You phoneys! I'm going off to be a catcher in the rye!"

His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile. 

SLENDERMAN: Well--now we know the source of Jeff's psychosis.

BLOODY MARY: Yep. Apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

"Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want 
to make an impression." said his father. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "At least, if you're a shallow idiot, anyway."

Jeff grunted and went back up to his room. 

BLOODY MARY: "Me teenager, no articulate... good."

"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "You force me to go about in rags! I hate you guys!"

"Just pick out something." called his mother. 

SLENDERMAN: What? That is what he just did, you idiot. And you forced him to change! Show some constistency, you moron!

He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. 

BLOODY MARY: Oh, this is going to go well...

SLENDERMAN: "A pirate costume! That's fancy!"

He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an 
undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, 
and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress 

BLOODY MARY: Ummm... whut?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Clearly our young author has a rather... weak understanding of fashion. And some strange reason to deny Jeff a proper shirt.

Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on. 

SLENDERMAN: And thus the definitive "Jeff the Killer" costume is born.

BLOODY MARY: It'll be a hit with all the kids.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ask for it by name!

"You're wearing that?" they both said. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: And now... I'm on their side for once.

His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." 

BLOODY MARY: So, now he's wearing something WORSE than the original outfit you complained about, but you cave instantly. (shakes head) What an idiot.

SLENDERMAN: Like I said--worst mother in the world.

She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. 

SLENDERMAN: (singing) Rollin', rollin', rollin'--keep those doggies rollin', got to keep 'em rollin'--RAWHIDE!

(Bloody Mary makes a whiplash noise.)

They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They 
knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his 
parents, way over-dressed. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "More phoneys. The only things I hate more than phoneys is movies!"

As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids. 

SLENDERMAN: Which is totally uncool and unfair, acting as if they have lives independent of their offspring.

"The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some 
of them?" said Barbara. 

BLOODY MARY: "While I will explain the golden circle of profit to your parents!"

Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around 
in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. 

SLENDERMAN: This is either a fifties sitcom or a David Lynch movie. Fifty-fifty chance either way.

BLOODY MARY: Well, if Jeff breaks into 'In Dreams', we'll know for sure.

He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: The indignity of it! He, the supermature Jeff, who is a teenager, surrounded by children who are... maybe three to four years YOUNGER! And... PLAYING!

Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat. 

"Hey. Wanna pway?" he said. 

ALL THREE: Awwwwww!

SLENDERMAN: How adorable!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: In my mind, he is played by a young Ron Howard.

BLOODY MARY: New most likable character in the story! The adorable nameless moppet!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Maybe it's Billy! That'd cut down on casting!

"Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." 

BLOODY MARY: "I'm like--thirteen! I'm all about the emo, and the moody darkness!"

SLENDERMAN: You just know the author pitched a fit every time he got seated at the kids' table at Thanksgiving...

The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face. 

BLOODY MARY: Well... it's an... interesting description, I'll give him that.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah. I like how the author assumes that we'll just know what he's talking about here...

SLENDERMAN: Let's be honest though--we kinda do.

"Pwease?" said the kid. 

BLOODY MARY: Awwww! It's just so adorable that I don't care how ridiculous it is!

SLENDERMAN: I know! I want to hug this child and give him candy. And I'm an eldritch monstrosity that lives off the fear of children!

"Fine," said Jeff. 

SLENDERMAN: "But I'm not going to like it!"

He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Bang! Bang! Bang! Stick them up! Bang!" (Beat) "I am doing this under protest!" (beat) "Bang! Bang! Ka-pow! Bang!"

At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to 
actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, 

BLOODY MARY: Which is an important thing to be.

(The trio share a mutual snicker.)

SLENDERMAN: So, who wants to bet the author was forced to play with his young cousins at a family gathering, and liked it...

but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off 
of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. 
A weird rolling noise. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: It was the rogue Zamboni--back for blood!

Then it hit him. 

SLENDERMAN: "I DID pay too much for that muffler!"

Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. 

BLOODY MARY: Whoa. Goofy as that is, it's also... kind of impressive.

SLENDERMAN: Especially for Troy, who was described as grotesquely fat...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: He must be taking lessons from Sammo Hung.

BLOODY MARY: Hey, let's not forget Keith and Randy, who are both recovering from significant injuries.

Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. 

BLOODY MARY: "I wasn't wearing these, I wasn't playing with these, you can't prove anything, and anyway, they made me."

Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred. 

"Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "How's the wife and kids? Did you enjoy your vacation?"

"We have some unfinished business." 

SLENDERMAN: "You neglected to sign the contract on your timeshare..."

Jeff saw his bruised nose.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: And also his broken wrist--but that wasn't as important as the bruised nose.

" I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother 
sent to JDC." 

BLOODY MARY: "Which I admit, from your point of view, doesn't really seem quite as equivalent as I thought... Yeah, can I get a do-over, that didn't sound as good as I hoped..."

Randy got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "And I always give 110%!"

SLENDERMAN: They never should have let Charlie Sheen serve as Randy's mentor at summer camp. It was just asking for trouble.

You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today." 

BLOODY MARY: As a pre-asskicking one liner goes... I prefer his last one.

SLENDERMAN: Yeah, should have quit while he was ahead.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: When he was... (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"

As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. 
Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and 
head butted him. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"

SLENDERMAN: You're gonna be doing that one for the rest of the story, aren't you?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yes. Yes I am.

SLENDERMAN: Well, if it makes you happy.

BLOODY MARY: The Arrested Development fight scene music is playing in my head.

Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were 
screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith 
both pulled guns out of their pockets. 

BLOODY MARY: They were carrying guns. In their pockets. While skateboarding.

SLENDERMAN: I am betting they're Uzis. Just because.

"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. 

BLOODY MARY: After sharing a hearty guffaw, the adults decided to rush the twerps.

SLENDERMAN: Where are the idiotic, trigger-happy cops in this town when you need them?

Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"

Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the 
face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing 
Randy to fall to the ground. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"


SLENDERMAN: Wow! We might not need to do an original quip for the rest of the story now!

Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. Troy grabbed him. 

SLENDERMAN: You know you're in a bad way when you're about to get your ass kicked by the fat one...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "This one is for the punch in the gut! And this one is for mocking my weight! It's not my fault I'm naturally husky! As you are doubtless now realizing I actually work out quite a bit!"

"Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and 
throws him through the patio door. 


(She falls back in her seat, sobbing inarticulately. Slenderman looks at Mr. Widemouth.)

SLENDERMAN: Aren't you going to say 'Winning'?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, it only works when Randy is involved. Otherwise, I'm just being a jackass. And we can't have that.

SLENDERMAN: Of course not.

As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy 
repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "WINNING!" (turns to Slenderman) See what I mean?

SLENDERMAN: Most definitely. (regards Bloody Mary) I think Mary's in a bad way.

(Bloody Mary simply continues wordlessly sobbing.)

"Come on Jeff, fight me!" He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen.

SLENDERMAN: "Warriors! Come out and PLAAAAAAY!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah, I'm getting a definite young David Patrick Kelly feel from Randy here myself...

SLENDERMAN: So I was RIGHT about it turning into a Lynch movie...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (nods) Apparently so...

SLENDERMAN: You know, if Walken is playing Jeff--well, this would be a neat cast, wouldn't it?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: It would. (beat) Hey--do you think Walken and Kelly could do a song and dance routine at some point?

SLENDERMAN: That would be cool.

(Bloody Mary curls up into a ball)

BLOODY MARY: 'M a good girl, daddy. Why you give Lizzie all the toys? Dontcha love me none? 'M a good girl...

Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over
Jeff's head. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"

SLENDERMAN: *sniff* I am just hearbroken over the lost of quality spirits.

BLOODY MARY: (sucking her thumb) Didn't mean to hurt the dollies... It was Eddie... Eddie... Not me! 'M a good girl...

"Fight!" He throws Jeff back into the living room. 

SLENDERMAN: "It was the Warriors! The Warriors shot Cyrus! It was the WARRRIOORRRSSSS!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen Voice) "WINNING!"

BLOODY MARY: Don't make me wear the big poofy dress, daddy. I don't wanna. 'M a good girl...

"Come on Jeff, look at me!" 

SLENDERMAN: "Does this outfit make me look fat?"

Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. 

(Bloody Mary whimpers.)

SLENDERMAN: Riddle me this! How is it even possible for a face be riddled with blood, as that would mean the blood itself was making holes in the face?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: That's a good question.

SLENDERMAN: I'm surprised you're just not going 'Winning!' again.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ehh, I'm trying to pace myself...

"I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you're just
gonna sit  here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should
be ashamed!" 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "You filthy maggot! You are a disgrace to this uniform! Drop and give sixty!"

SLENDERMAN: So... somehow Randy's vengeance involves publically confessing to crimes. While commiting more crimes in an excessively public fashion...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey--he's not bright. Just dedicated.

Jeff  starts to get up. 

(Bloody Mary lets out a howl of anguish.)


SLENDERMAN: It's okay, Mary. It's okay. Just remember--it'll stop eventually. Shut your eyes, think of a warm, safe place and let the story wash over you like a cool breeze.

BLOODY MARY: Cool breeze. Cool breeze. Cool breeze.

"Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"

SLENDERMAN: Remind me again--Jeff is supposed to be the crazy one, right?

Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: The night air of the city caressing him like a lover...

(Bloody Mary groans in agony.)

BLOODY MARY: Not... fair...

Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a 

SLENDERMAN: I bet you folks in the audience thought the story forgot about this, eh? No chance! This is the moment of truth that this tale depends on! Jeff's... strange feeling. (sighs)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah, it's a weak central premise.

(Bloody Mary whimpers.)

"Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he runs at Jeff.

SLENDERMAN: "And I'm saying things that are happening as they happen!" (beat) "Now I'm running at Jeff!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!"

That's when it happens.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: The giant foot from Monty Python slams down on the entire cast, crushing them instantly.

Something inside Jeff snaps.

SLENDERMAN: Considering the damage he's taken, any number of things inside Jeff have snapped. Boy's gonna need a long hospitalization...

His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast.

SLENDERMAN: Always on the prowl. Looking for something or somebody to kill. Quench the killer's thirst.

He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. 

SLENDERMAN: Weren't they... inside?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ehh, the writer lost track of the scenery a long time back.

SLENDERMAN: Right. Along with the laws of physics.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: And causality. Don't forget those.

(Bloody Mary whimpers.)

He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart.

SLENDERMAN & MR. WIDEMOUTH: (singing) Punched in the heart! You're to blame! You give love a bad name!

The punch causes Randy's heart to stop.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Uh... huh. I guess we can add biology and medicine to things the author lost track of...

As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him.

SLENDERMAN: And the author goes into William Shatner mode.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: E. Mergency. 9. 1. 1.

Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one
final breath, and dies. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (weak, gasping Charlie Sheen voice) "WINNING!" (mock dying gasp)

SLENDERMAN: Yeah, this plan definitely went in a different direction than Randy planned...

BLOODY MARY: Is it ever... going to end...? (whimpers)

Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even
Troy and Keith.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "So... anyone... up for charades?"

SLENDERMAN: Well, Billy's definitely had an... INTERESTING birthday, it must be admitted...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, yeah. They are going to be talking about this one for years to come...

Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Because looking at things and pointing guns at them are mutually exclusive activities, you see.

Jeff see's the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs.

SLENDERMAN: The typo is the thing least wrong with that sentence. That is scary.

(Bloody Mary whimpers.)

As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing. Jeff runs up
the stairs.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Holy crap, Jeff is the freakin' Flash!

SLENDERMAN: Jay Garrick, Barry Allen or Wally West...?

(Mr. Widemouth stares at him.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Does it matter?

SLENDERMAN: Yes! Yes it does! Each Flash has different powers and abilities.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Don't they all just--go very fast?

SLENDERMAN: But in different ways!

(Mr. Widemouth groans.)

He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of
bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off
the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready. 

SLENDERMAN: (singing) "Everybody was... kung-fu fighting! Those cats were fast as lightning!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Really, Slendy?

SLENDERMAN: It was that, or "Duel of the Fates". And I don't know the words to "Duel of the Fates".

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Does anyone?

Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into
Troy's face. Troy goes down hard and now all that's left is Keith.

SLENDERMAN: "I'm racking up the kills." (beat) "Damn. Towel racks suck for witty comebacks, don't they?"

He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Ah HA, Jeff! You were unprepared for my wily stratagem of DODGING your attacks!"

SLENDERMAN: You know... it kind of undercuts Jeff's status when a group of random neighborhood bullies are apparently utterly psychotic and trained by the Triads...

He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck.

SLENDERMAN: Man, knives are surprisingly ineffective weapons in this universe.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I know. It's downright eerie.

BLOODY MARY: (blinking) Oh, Slendy, I had the worst dream. A fic went into the present tense for no real reason, and it just stayed there...

SLENDERMAN: No, that actually happened, Mary.

BLOODY MARY: Really? (frowns) I HATE this story.

He pushed him into the wall. A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from
the top shelf.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: There... was a shelf on the wall.

SLENDERMAN: Apparently many shelves.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: With an open container of bleach on it.

SLENDERMAN: Apparently yes.

BLOODY MARY: Okay, I was... out of it, but... they're in a bathroom, right?


BLOODY MARY: And Randy is dead?


BLOODY MARY: And the Monkey God must be given seven souls, right?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, that one you must have made up in your delirium.

BLOODY MARY: (nodding) Gotchya.

It burnt both of them and they both started to scream.

SLENDERMAN: 'Burnt' as in... 'actually burned them'? Or 'burnt' as in 'irritated their eyes'?

BLOODY MARY: Let's hope the second, because if it's the first, Barbara's got some serious safety and environment violations to deal with...

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ehh, I'm pretty sure her house isn't OSHA and EPA compliant...

Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and
swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he
let out an ominous smile. 

BLOODY MARY: So... towel racks are lethal weapons. (beat) Okaaaay...

SLENDERMAN: More lethal than knives, apparently.

"What's so funny?" asked Jeff.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Oh, I'm just remembering today's Family Circus. The lovable hijinks of those kids! They slay me! Only not literally, the way you have."

Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on.

SLENDERMAN: "Woooo! Led Zeppelin! Woooo!"

"What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in bleach and alcohol."

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Well, I think it's funny, anyway, but I have a very odd sense of humor."

Jeff's eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him.

SLENDERMAN: It quickly switched off, and clunked awkwardly on Jeff's head. As that is what lighters do when you release the button.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Damn! Shoulda used matches!"

As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the
alcohol in the vodka.


While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin.

BLOODY MARY: And I say again... whut?

SLENDERMAN: The crazy ghost lady speaks for us all.

Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire.


He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him
a walking inferno.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Apparently Barbara mixed gasoline and kerosene with her vodka. Because drinking alcohol by itself isn't going to act like that...

SLENDERMAN: You know... popular belief aside, the term 'inferno' does not mean 'fire'--it means 'hell' in Italian. And Dante, who popularized the term in the English-speaking world saw it as a realm of ice not...

BLOODY MARY: Stop being pedantic, Slendy.

He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs.

(Slenderman pulls out a kazoo and starts to play 'Yakety Sax'.)

Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire,

BLOODY MARY: (singing) "He's a man on fire..."

(She begins to clap.)

SLENDERMAN: (singing) "Walking through your street..."

(He begins to clap in time with Bloody Mary.)

TOGETHER: "With one guitar, and two dancing feet!"

drop to the ground, nearly dead.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (Miracle Max-Voice) Your friend happens to be only MOSTLY dead!

The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to
extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out. 

SLENDERMAN: Huh. First time his mom's acted like a... you know, mother...

BLOODY MARY: Ehh, given her track record she's trying to beat the flame out with a broom.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Or dunking him in liquid nitrogen. Something like that.

When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face.

BLOODY MARY: You mean... bandages. They... really don't do... full-face... casts.

He couldn't see anything,

SLENDERMAN: Who wants to bet they forgot to put a breathing hole in too...?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah, I see one giant-ass malpractice suit in the making here....

but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body.

BLOODY MARY: The author's just... assembling random medical type things, isn't he?

He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm,
and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in. 

BLOODY MARY: "Crap! Listen kid--this DIDN'T happen! Okay? Now--here's the good shit!"

"I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him
back in his bed and re-inserted the tube.

SLENDERMAN: "And if people start talking to you about crazy things like lawyers... well, trust us, we can get you all sorts of shit here, okay? No questions asked."

Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Making his experience eerily close to his creator's!

Finally, after hours,

SLENDERMAN: Man, I love that film! Scorsese's a genius!

BLOODY MARY: Slendy, don't make us think about things we could be enjoying besides this awful story.

he heard his mother. 

"Honey, are you okay?" she asked.

SLENDERMAN: Huh. She's actually... acting... maternal.

BLOODY MARY: Are... are we still reading Jeff the Killer?

Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable
to speak.

BLOODY MARY: Oh, yeah. Back in the world devoid of human connections.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well... you were right, Slendy. They apparently forgot to give him something to breath through.


"Oh honey, I have great news.

BLOODY MARY: "I beat today's Sudoko puzzle! And it was a tough one!"

After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of
trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go."

SLENDERMAN: That sentence is almost as confused as the thought it communicates.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... still no judicial system, I see...

BLOODY MARY: I'm just wondering how they're dealing with the fact that Randy and company are... you know... all dead...

This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube
coming out of his arm.

BLOODY MARY: Those things... don't come out THAT easily...

"He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again." 

SLENDERMAN: "At least, until they put you away for the multiple sentences resulting from that bloodbath..."

Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes.

BLOODY MARY: TENSES! TENSES! TENSES! (She starts to curl up in a ball.) Oh, it's starting again...

The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Thus killing any further desire to live on his part.

Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all
there to see it, what he would look like.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I bet he looks like Michael Jackson.

BLOODY MARY: Hah! You're dreaming! He's gonna look like a post-surgery Mickey Rourke!

As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the
edge of their seats.

BLOODY MARY: "Oh, please, please, please, don't let us botch this one. We really can't afford another malpractice suit..."

They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was
almost removed. 

SLENDERMAN: Because they hoped to achieve maximum dramatic effect.

"Let's hope for the best," said the doctor.

BLOODY MARY: "Wait... that's all you're doing--bandaging my son up, then hoping for the best?"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "What more do you want? We applied leeches! Everything else is in God's hands. Or as we medical types call him, 'Mr. Smitey'!"

He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face. 

SLENDERMAN: Watch your tenses.

BLOODY MARY: Hey, I was going...

SLENDERMAN: I know. Figured I'd catch that one for you.

Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad
stare awe-struck at his face. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I liked this scene better in Burton's Batman.

"What? What happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran
to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress.


His face. It... it's horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Wow! Lucky guy!

BLOODY MARY: Yeah! He still has lips!

SLENDERMAN: Apparently, it was a Mary Kay fire, and gave him a full makeover...

His face was turned into a pure white color,

SLENDERMAN: And from the afterlife, Michael Jackson is envious.

and his hair singed from brown to black.

BLOODY MARY: And he kept his hair! He is one lucky burn victim on the whole!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Leaving aside the fact that fire doesn't act like this--this is the first time we knew he HAD brown hair.

He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now.

SLENDERMAN: "Right. Confession time. Jeff--your present face is actually a painted, sewn-on burlap sack in an experimental process we are calling--a bagectomy!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Don't stand next to open heat sources, and try to avoid getting it wet. Oh, and if you start leaking pus--apply more leeches! They're nature's doctors!"

He looked back at his family then back at the mirror. 

"Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..." 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "We can now display you at fairs throughout the continental United States for a nominal fee!"

BLOODY MARY: "It'll pay for your college tuition! Or a country club membership. Whichever makes more sense."

"Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect!"

SLENDERMAN: "I always felt constrained by my old appearance, but now I am free! Behold the clown that was within!"

His family were equally surprised.

BLOODY MARY: Oh, big deal. His family have displayed the intellectual ability of cattle throughout this entire story. I wouldn't be shocked to learn they're surprised to discover they can walk every morning. They're completely out of their depths here.

Jeff started laughing uncontrollably

BLOODY MARY: Huh. Evidence your clown theory is correct.

SLENDERMAN: Yeah. If he requests a bicycle horn, consider it game, set and match.

His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching. 

BLOODY MARY: "Nurse! My boy is jonesing for a fix!"

"Uh... Jeff, are you okay?" 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Okay, guys, now let me spell it out for you. He's ranting like a lunatic. Do you honestly think any answer he gives you would count? Because--and, let me make things perfectly clear now--IT'S PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS HE'S NOT OKAY!

"Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me.
This face goes perfectly with me!"


He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it.
Looking at it in the mirror.

SLENDERMAN: On E. Mergency. 9. 1. 1.

What caused this? Well, you may recall

BLOODY MARY: A certain warm July night, when two lost souls found each other, and became one...

that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity,
snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his 
parents didn't know. 

SLENDERMAN: Twenty hours without rest and still no enemy. In the blistering desert heat, Jim and Joe plan their next attack. Find the Beast and kill him. Kill, or be killed. Man's inhumanity to man.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Flag on the moon. How did it get there? Joseph Javorski. Noted scientist.

BLOODY MARY: Shoot first. Ask questions later. Boys from the city. Not yet caught by the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs.

"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the

(All three clap.)

BLOODY MARY: She's definitely going for 'Mother of the Year'. (beat) Of a sort.

SLENDERMAN: "Mom!!! I'm right here!"

"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very
large amounts of pain killers.

(Shocked silence.)

SLENDERMAN: Oooookaaaaayyyyy....

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, that family's definitely up for a heaping settlement when the malpractice suit rolls around.

BLOODY MARY: Oh, they are all dogfood, and we know it, Widemouth!

SLENDERMAN: That does explain why Randy and his gang acted so weird. They were hepped up on goofballs as a result of medical treatment for their earlier fight!

BLOODY MARY: Hey, you're right! The story's starting to make sense now!

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, it isn't guys!

BLOODY MARY: Let us have our illusions, Widemouth!

SLENDERMAN: We beg you!

If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here,
and we'll give him a psychological test." 

BLOODY MARY: "That way, we can tell what kind of personality he has on a Myer-Briggs square!"

MR. WIDEMOUTH: So they want them to wait a few weeks before they even consider doing something close to useless. (beat) I blame HMOs for this sort of thing.

"Oh thank you doctor."

SLENDERMAN: "You're allowing me to ignore the evidence of my senses, and that's always something I appreciate."

Jeff's mother went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go." 

BLOODY MARY: Wait. So the fact that he's left three bloodied corpses in his wake is just... going to get ignored?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Apparently.

SLENDERMAN: I think the author imagines that self-defense gives you a carte blanche.

Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile.

(Bloody Mary rams her fist into her mouth, and gives an inarticulate growl.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Love that Joker!!!"

"Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" 

SLENDERMAN: Wow. Somehow, going completely mad--has made him LESS menacing. And he was a twerpy emo kid before!

his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Wait... is Jeff... naked?

BLOODY MARY: Of course not! He's in... one of those... hospital robes. I guess.

SLENDERMAN: And apparently his mother... didn't think to bring clothes.

"This is what came in," said the lady at the desk.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Oh, a bunch of charred rags! Thanks!"

BLOODY MARY: Worst hospital EVER!

Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and
white hoodie her son wore.

MR. WIDEMOUTH The Jeff the Killer costume!

SLENDERMAN: Ask for it by name!

Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together.

SLENDERMAN: Well, I suppose it was nice of the hospital to do SOME repair work.

BLOODY MARY: That's more than they seem to have done for Jeff's FACE.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I'm just amazed his clothes survived the whole... 'inferno' thing.

BLOODY MARY: Maybe they're... MAGIIIIC!

Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Jeff and his mother have a very... special relationship.

SLENDERMAN: Freud would have a field day with this story, guys.

BLOODY MARY: Him, or George R. R. Martin...

SLENDERMAN: Or Sophocles!

Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life. 

BLOODY MARY: Jeez, even the narrator realizes Jeff's family is toast!

SLENDERMAN: Actually, to judge by the phrasing, Jeff is also toast. Which... we know isn't true, because of the intro.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right. Jeff has a career of ominous, unknown killing ahead of him.


Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom.

BLOODY MARY: "Jeff, I told you not to drink so much water before going to bed!"

It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was.

SLENDERMAN: "Ummm... Jeff... do you want some... milk of magnesia... maybe?"

When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had
taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: (DK Joker voice) "You want to know how I got these scars...?"

"Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother. 

BLOODY MARY: Why he's studying for a test... what does it look like he's doing, you imbecile!

Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Not when every half-hour, a portion of the rainforest the size of a football field has been irrevocably destroyed..."

It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever.

SLENDERMAN: "Smile, and play, and gambol with the fru-fru-unicorns!"

Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Jeff, are you pursuing an alternate lifestyle?"

"Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing. 

BLOODY MARY: He's now part shark!

"I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Sleep is for the weak!"

I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face."

SLENDERMAN: "Of course, now that I'm blind, I'm starting to think that maybe there was a flaw in my methodology..."

Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going

MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, he isn't going insane. He's flat out nuts. Sanity and Jeff no longer are on speaking terms, nor do they write.

"What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?

SLENDERMAN: "Aren't I a magical butterfly of joyous wonder and enchantment?"

"Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see
your face."

BLOODY MARY: "In fact, let me go get LOTS of people to see your face! And we can take you to a nice quiet location, where they can all do it!"

She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun


MR. WIDEMOUTH: Her first impulse... is to shoot her insane son. Got it.

SLENDERMAN: Like I said--this woman has the parenting instincts of a Norwegian rat.

She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife. 

MR. WIDEMOUTH: But what knife, gentle readers? The knife Jeff used to carve his Glasgow smile into his cheeks, or some other knife...?

BLOODY MARY: A riddle for the ages...

"Mommy, you lied."

SLENDERMAN: (Chico Marx) "You can't fool me, there ain't no Sanity Clause!"

That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting
both of them. 


MR. WIDEMOUTH: Wow. After underperforming for much of the story, knives are now overperforming in a big way...

SLENDERMAN: So he can gut two adults instantly, but has problem with a small boy. (shakes his head) Yeah.... I really am having a problem buying this premise.

His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything 
else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Must have been the cat." (beat) "Do we own a cat? Well, it's never been said one way or the other, so I'll just assume we do..."

BLOODY MARY: Darwinism in action, folks.

As he was on the border of slumber,

BLOODY MARY: He was stopped by the guards, and forced to declare all the fruit he was transporting...

SLENDERMAN: "Take off your shoes! Your shoes! We think you might have a knife in your shoes!"

he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: He's become self-aware! Liu now realizes that he's a character in a story being read by us!

SLENDERMAN: Soon, he's going to start going "whoa" in a Keanu Reeves voice, and jumping into the air to fly!

He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: "No, don't move, I want to remember you just as you are!"

He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu.

SLENDERMAN: So that it could plunge into the soft and yielding flesh, over and over again...

BLOODY MARY: So--you want to chip in funds so the author can see a psychiatrist, or a therapist, or something?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I'll pitch a fiver.

Liu thrashed here and there

BLOODY MARY: And hither and non.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: You know on second thought, I'll make it a twenty...

trying to escape Jeff's grip. 

SLENDERMAN: "I must attempt to equal the strength of a five-year-old! Only then will I be safe!"

"Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to sleep."

(A long silence.)

SLENDERMAN: So... that's the ending, eh?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: ...Yeah, it's kind of underwhelming, isn't it?

BLOODY MARY: (nodding) Yeah. Yeah. Just an excuse to use the catchphrase.


(There is a silence.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I feel all hollow inside.

BLOODY MARY: Let's go, guys. This is getting depressing.

(With many a headshake, the trio exit the theatre... We back out the twisty passageway, and join them outside... Bloody Mary and Slenderman sit at a table, sharing a drink.)

SLENDERMAN: See... I don't like the story, Mary, but by itself, I find it impossible to hate... it's so clearly the work of a clueless kid, mashing things together in the naïve hope that it'll work. It's the fandom that gets me...

BLOODY MARY: I know what you mean... I mean--I kept thinking 'how can this be unironically popular? It is so gormlessly bad!' the whole time I read that.

(Mr. Widemouth waddles up towards them.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, guys, it's been nice knowing you. But Mr. Widemouth is blowing this popsicle stand. My true calling has revealed itself. I'm off to be a rock'n'roll star!

BLOODY MARY: Whut now?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah, goofing around with Slendy, it hit me--this is what I want to do with my life. Make music!

SLENDERMAN: Need a hand?

(Mr. Widemouth shakes his head.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Nah, Slendy, I can't carry you anymore. This is a one man caravan, and that man is me! You are all going to have start calling me MISTER Mr. Widemouth!

(Bloody Mary rolls her eyes, and gives a sympathetic glance to Slenderman.)

BLOODY MARY: Well, you have fun, Widemouth.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, I will. And it will ROCK! Later, gators!

(He attempts a headbang that, being a little stubbly thing, winds up looking ridiculous, then wanders away, humming to himself.)

BLOODY MARY: Well, that came out of nowhere...

SLENDERMAN: Ehh, I know you've been doing this job longer than either of us, Mary, but trust me, I know Widemouth better than you do. It's just how he rolls. My biggest regret is that I have no one to wile away the hours with--for a while at least.

BLOODY MARY: Hey, you got ME!

SLENDERMAN: It's not the same...

BLOODY MARY: You sure? Come on--hit me with your best shot! Try that whole genderswap date game on me!

SLENDERMAN: Okay... Have to warn you, I can't really think of many female horror folk... I suppose I could do male Carrie and... umm....

BLOODY MARY: Hey, I'm open-minded. Been around the block as long as I have, your speedometer flips over, and your tastes get broader. I'd be willing to take a girl out. Show her a good time.

SLENDERMAN: Okay then--Female Leatherface or Female Mike Myers?

BLOODY MARY: Like that's even a question! Female Mike Myers! Female Leatherface would be some overweight inbred hick--but Female Mike Myers? It'd be a young Jamie Lee Curtis. Who is psychotic. And I'd definitely tap that.

SLENDERMAN: Who wouldn't?


(Mr. Widemouth waddles back in.)

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey guys. I'm back. Is... is my old job still open?

BLOODY MARY: Well, we're having to beat the applicants off with sticks--but I think I can slide you into it. (Winks at him) Consider it a favor.

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Thanks Mary. You're a prince... urrr, princess among nightmarish monstrosities.

SLENDERMAN: How'd the musical career go?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ahh, man, show business is a jungle. With man-eating sharks.

(Bloody Mary and Slenderman both give amused nods.)

BLOODY MARY: So, think you're up for doing the sign-off?

MR. WIDEMOUTH: I'll try. (He strikes a grave attitude.) And so, gentle readers, that's it for this edition of SHADOW THEATRE 13! Remember--we know your fears! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- (Suddenly, he starts coughing.) Umm, sorry. Frog in my throat...



Mr. Widemouth is the creation of perfectcircle35.

"More Than a Feeling" is the creation of Tom Scholz and Boston. Which rock.

Jeff the Killer is the creation of... some nameless and unknown soul dwelling in the Interwebs...


"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?" 

"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large
amounts of pain killers. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks,
bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test." 

"Oh thank you doctor."

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